It's hard, y'all. This is a difficult time for all of us, for our country and for our world. I keep that in perspective, and while I know that there's the perfect job at the perfect pay available to me right now, this week I fell back into self-destructive habits. Luckily I did most of my workouts, but my nutrition hasn't been too great, and today it was horrid.
I'm trying to learn more and more about moving forward through this time, and I know that there are some changes that have to happen in consciousness. There are some habits I need to work on.
But also, I learned that instead of joking about having Attention Deficit Disorder, I really want to work on living with it and working through it (especially without medication).
I started doing a Personal Inventory journal - entries where I'd hold myself accountable for the things I noticed I was doing and what I should do to catch myself on when it's A.D.D. related. But since it's a new habit, I got into it at first and then it kinda got pushed aside.
It's interesting how I'm getting less done than I did when I was slap-ass crazy, buried neck-deep and working my ass off. Like the saying goes - if you want something done, give it to a busy person.
Last week I had two excellent job interviews and I applied for another job at the university, in an office I worked in while I attended. Again, gotta be practical - there's a LOT of catching up that I've got to do, and dammit at this point I need to work.
If offered, I may accept a job that ... hell I might not even be able to talk about it yet. It could be a great possibility that could open many doors... gotta be open-minded.
Also, the garden was too much for me. My basil's still thriving and the mint's doing okay, but I wasn't able to keep up with it and it's out of control. I had to mow over 75% of it today.
Again, A.D.D. I got head-over-heels into something and then can't keep up with it.
I just pray to God that I'll be able to hold onto my car and keep the cats. Pat and I talked about "what-if" stuff (like what happens if I can't catch up on my rent, keep my car, feed myself, etc) - of course, the last-resort type thinking that is the product of being afraid - and she, in true fashion, was supportive and kind. I got a HUGE-ass thing of dry cat food for a great deal and some more wet food, so that should hold us down for a bit. If I have to use dirt in the litterbox for a bit until I have an income, than so be it. I want to keep them; they're my angels.
I want to be positive and stay optimistic, but it's been MONTHS since I've worked and it's a bitch getting myself motivated to work out, stay positive AND keep my mind focused, calm and peaceful.
However, I'm at a friend's house visiting with her lovely elderly mom, who has alzheimer's. She's in pretty good mental shape and can get herself around and entertained, and she's wonderful company. We've been chatting, doing some artwork and just keeping each other company. It's a great way to keep my mind from becoming a clusterfuck. I stayed here last night and will be here again tonight, and pray I get on her treadmill and hammer out my scheduled 8-mile run. Hey, if I do, WOOO HOO!!!! And if not, I'll get my ass on there and get as far as I can.
It's interesting - when I get running, I have been pushing myself because if I'm going my usual pace, I get bored. So, I run, I pray, and I push myself just a little bit harder than I normally would. BUT! Only on my short runs. I wouldn't dare do this on my long runs.
You know, I'll just go ahead and admit it. I've done a few drugs and I've been drunk. Drugs are no longer part of my life and I don't drink excessively anymore. As fun as those experiences were and as great as they may have felt, nothing beats a runner's high.
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In other news, I had a dream I was in Australia visiting jolly_oddness and we had a party! We were dancing, doing some cool crafty stuff and I think I did all of the cooking, which of course made me happy :)
Right, now I'm going to make the trip back to the house to get my camera cable so I can get my pics from my camera to the computer and print them off. We're making cards for Pat, Peg and Jackie :) We took some cute pictures and will put some artwork in the cards - they're "we missed you and glad you're home" cards, awe :)
Everything's gonna be okay. I know that.
There's ALWAYS hope.